There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Let the clothes fall where they may.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
