I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
