I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
