She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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