Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
