I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
