What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
