You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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