So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
mondays should just be called national damage control day
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
