I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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