i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
