there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
