So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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