i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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