Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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