I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
