i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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