508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
