put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
