apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
