never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
