College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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