My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
