she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize