I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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