My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
