Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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