I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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