Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
