Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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