she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
