I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
