Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
