i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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