Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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