Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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