I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize