im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
