Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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