Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
