Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
