the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
