Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
