ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
