my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
