And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
