Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
