you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
