So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
