im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
