I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
