i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
