dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
