i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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