So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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