Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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